


Suffering

by ThereIsNoTragedyInThat



Series: The Space Between the First and Last Breath [20]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst, Internal Conflict, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Mild Smut, Nicky | Nicolò di Genova Needs a Hug, Non-Consensual Voyeurism, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pre-Canon, Pre-Slash, True Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:48:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27895564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThereIsNoTragedyInThat/pseuds/ThereIsNoTragedyInThat
Summary: Nicolò was going to Hell.Arousal pooled heavily in his abdomen, curling like a flame licking at his insides as he watched Yusuf through half-lidded eyes
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: The Space Between the First and Last Breath [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1947598
Comments: 4
Kudos: 156





	Suffering

Nicolò was going to Hell.

Arousal pooled heavily in his abdomen, curling like a flame licking at his insides as he watched Yusuf through half-lidded eyes. Privacy was a forgotten luxury, the only one he had while in the walls of the church and had long since been abandoned as he travelled with his companion. Still, there was an etiquette to follow, expectations of perceived ignorance to the other’s actions and Nicolò found his nails digging harshly into his palm as he tried not to react.

Beneath him, the dirt was cold and hard, offering some small relief to the fire ravaging his body. Yusuf lay only a short distance away from him, just past the smoldering embers and last wisps of smoke that had heated their dinner. It was late, the moon high in the sky and Nicolò couldn’t blame Yusuf for thinking he was asleep, for taking advantage of the moment.

The sound of Yusuf’s breath panting softly, was torture.

One hundred and two years of this and it never got any easier.

In the darkness, Nicolò could not quite make out the details though he longed to with a fierceness that startled him, imagined this happening in the light of day when he could map Yusuf’s movements and see every twitch and shift in his expression, imagined a day when he didn’t have to hide his attentions under cover of night.

The soft brush of clothing, rustling and being discarded was the only indication that Yusuf had stopped fondling himself over his clothes, had finally stoked his passions high enough to forgo the charade of decency. Nicolò felt his breath become short, his cock aching fiercely in the confines of his trousers as he watched the dark shape of Yusuf’s hand, squinting in his sick need to see more.

This wasn’t right.

He knew that he betrayed Yusuf’s trust in this moment, not by witnessing the man pleasuring himself but by not closing his eyes and feigning sleep, by not being utterly indifferent to his action, by craving more from him.

It was not only desire that raked at his flesh, was not only the lust that made him yearn to reach across the small distance and press his lips to Yusuf’s, to take his cock in his hand and stare into his eyes as he reached his height. No, it was something far more nefarious, something far more ruinous should it ever see the light of day.

Love.

The sensation squeezed at his heart with each pleasured sigh that drifted over to him, made his gut twist with a helplessness and despair that spoke of the intensity with which he felt it for this man next to him. Nicolò had never known an emotion as all-encompassing as this when it came to another person, could not imagine loving another as he did Yusuf and the realization that he was to spend eternity just like this…listening and wanting and feeling, made him wonder if he hadn’t already been sentenced to Hell.

Yusuf’s breath stuttered and the sound of his hand sped up briefly, a sound that left Nicolò tense with shameful anticipation. He knew his companion better than he knew himself, could parse out his thoughts and intentions without more than a glance…it was what made them so formidable in battle and close friends in life.

Nicolò saw the movement of his other hand and had years of experience to know he was pressing it between his lips, trying to stifle the pleasured moans that still managed to slip out and into the fresh air. Biting his own lip, Nicolò pushed back the urge to reach for his own cock, to deliver himself some relief from his own suffering.

There was a part of him, the sad wistful part, that wanted to pretend Yusuf knew exactly what he was doing, that he was well-aware of Nicolò inability to fall asleep easily and his tendency to startle awake at the slightest change in the wind…but he would not play the part of the fool. Yusuf was an open book, he was candid and honest to a fault, preferring to hash out perceived disagreements and uncertainties before they could fester between them.

Yusuf simply did not want him and Nicolò could not blame him.

His moan cut off abruptly, the shape of his body arching briefly, and Nicolò felt as though he were drowning, could not take in enough air as his need and want overwhelmed him, as he watched Yusuf’s pleasure crest and listened to the sound of his harsh breathing.

There was shifting once again, the sound of Yusuf wiping himself off and tugging up his clothes, preparing to go back to sleep. Nicolò suddenly felt adrift, abandoned as he lay there struggling with the emotions swelling in his chest and the hardness of his cock. Despite himself, his eyes began to sting and not for the first time he wished he was strong enough to leave, to walk away from this man and all the pain he so unintentionally wrought upon him.

Yet.

Nicolò could recall with startling clarity, the day he _had_ walked away, nearly fifty years ago now after a disastrous fight and not long after discovering his feelings toward the other man. He remembered the loneliness and misery, he remembered the way it felt as though something crucial had been left behind, a piece of his soul cut off and aching. It had been terrifying and before the week was up, they found themselves back in each other’s company, neither wishing to be parted again.

He would take the pain of loving Yusuf, would live with it every day if only to avoid a fate that did not have him in it. Perhaps, he mused not for the first time, this was his punishment for the sins he had committed. It had always seemed fitting to love a man whom he had been told and made to believe he should hate and to live with that feeling for the rest of this long life.

Nicolò rolled onto his back, pushed the covers away to let the chill air in, allowing it slowly sooth his heated skin. He would suffer in silence, as he always had.

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to just be smut but well...angst always makes it better doesn't it?


End file.
